I am too innocent. Why, I might have said --
Oh, a great many things! Mon dieu, why waste
My opportunity? For example, thus: --
AGGRESSIVE: I, sir, if that dick were mine,
I'd have it amputated -- on the spot!
FRIENDLY: How do you fuck with such a dick?
You ought to have a cunt made specially.
DESCRIPTIVE: 'Tis a rock -- a crag -- a cape --
A cape? say rather, a peninsula!
INQUISITIVE: What is that receptacle --
A water-well or the Holland tunnel?
KINDLY: Ah, do you love the little birds
So much that when they come and sing to you,
You give them this to sit on? INSOLENT:
Sir, when you masturbate, the neighbors must suppose
A water main has broken. CAUTIOUS: Take care --
A weight like that might make you strain your back.
THOUGHTFUL: Somebody fetch me my parasol --
Those delicate colors fade so in the sun!
PEDANTIC: Does not Aristopenis
Mention a mythologic monster called
Humungocyclopsipythonelos?
Surely we have here the original!
FAMILIAR: Well, old torchlight! Hang your hat
Over that chandelier -- it hurts my eyes.
ELOQUENT: When it comes, the blizzard howls,
And dams burst. DRAMATIC: When it pees --
Beer on Tap! ENTERPRISING: What a sign
For some urologist! LYRIC: Hark -- the horn
Of Roland rises to summon Charlene! --
SIMPLE: When do they unveil the monument?
RESPECTFUL: Sir, I recognize in you
A man of parts, a man of prominence --
RUSTIC: Hey? What? Call that a dick? Na na --
I be no fool like what you think I be --
That there's a purple cucumber! MILITARY:
Point against cavalry! PRACTICAL: Why not
A bachelor auction with this for the grand prize?
Or -- parodying Faustus in the play --
"Was this the dick that launched a billion sperm
And burned the topless trousers of Ilene?"
These, my dear sir, are things I might have said
Had I some tinge of lechery, or of bawdy wit
To color my discourse blue. But bawdy wit, -- not so,
I never had an atom -- and of lechery,
You need but this to write me down -- an Angel.

(Author is me....)

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